New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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