I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
