It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
