i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
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By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!