I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.