allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.