Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
