i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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