onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
