Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
