I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
