I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
