just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
