You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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