last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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