i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
