dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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