in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
