Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
