I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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