Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
