Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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