I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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