mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
