I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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