My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
