smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
