I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
