i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
