96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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