Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
