i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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