I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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