If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
