I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
