If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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