I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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