if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
