Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
