Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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