i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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