why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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