one two three fourrrrnication!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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