If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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