i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
