I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
