he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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