i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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