Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
