Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
