Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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