ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
