I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
