Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
