Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
