went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
