I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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