Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
