Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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