I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
