My liver just broke up with me...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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