Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
no, he came in my armpit
we made out on top of his cat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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