You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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